Aide relecture Cover Letter

Bonjour tout le monde !

J'ai rédigé une lettre de motivation pour un stage commercial à San Francisco et j'ai des doutes quant à la formulation de certaines des phrases que j'ai employées. C'est pourquoi j'aurais besoin de l'avis d'experts en anglais et de leur éventuelle correction.

En vous remerciant d'avance voici la lettre :

Dear Mr. Devort,


I am writing in response to your advertisement posted on iQuesta. Recently graduated with a Master’s degree in Entrepreneurship and Management from the University of Lyon, I am currently looking for a business developer position abroad to get my career sales-oriented and to acquire an international background. Therefore, your internship offer has particularly caught my attention. Three main reasons led me to this choice: The duties (tasks) set which you offer, the job location and your eco-friendly enterprise culture.

My educational background and my work experiences have provided me with the opportunity to gain useful qualities for a sales coordinator position, such as tenacity, active listening as well as organizational and autonomy abilities. Whether it be in an insurance agency, a record shop or a consultancy firm, I have also been led to improve my ability to adapt to the needs and profiles of a large range of customers. Finally, telemarketing, switchboarding (switchboard operating?) and interview administering are as many experiences which have brought me strong public speaking skills.

As my medium term objective is to become business development manager, I feel this internship position would be an ideal way for me to begin my career. Furthermore, I believe I could (or can?) be an excellent addition to your team.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to the opportunity to show you how much enthusiastic I am and to personally discuss why I am particularly suited to this position.

Bonjour,

Dear Mr. Devort,

I am writing in response to your advertisement for an internship posted on iQuesta.<D'emblée, il me paraît souhaitable de donner la raison précise de ta lettre. Recently graduated with a Master’s degree in Entrepreneurship and Management from the University of Lyon, I am currently looking for a business developer position abroad in order to specialize in sales / turn to sales / get my career sales-oriented and to acquire an international background.<Bien que très correcte à mes yeux, la formulation "to get my career sales-oriented" s'apparente trop à un calque du français. Therefore, your internship offer has particularly caught held my attention. Three main reasons led me to this choice: the duties set of tasks which you offer, the job location and your eco-friendly enterprise culture.

My educational background and my work experience have provided me with the opportunity to gain useful qualities for a sales coordinator position, such as tenacity, active listening as well as organizational and autonomy abilities. Whether it be in an insurance agency, a record shop or a consultancy firm, I have also been led to improve my ability to adapt to the needs and profiles of a large range of customers. Finally, telemarketing, switchboard operating and interview administering are as many experiences which have brought me strong public oral / speaking skills.

As my medium term objective is to become a business development manager, I feel this internship position would be an ideal way for me to begin my career. Furthermore, I believe I could (or can?) be an excellent addition to your team.<Le conditionnel me paraît préférable puisque c'est le mode de l'inaccompli.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to the opportunity to show you how much enthusiastic I am and to personally discuss why I am particularly suited to this position.Good luck!
Par ailleurs, c'est avec beaucoup de difficultés que j'ai lu tes 3 CV dont le jargon professionnel et les multiples annotations en couleur m'ont complètement décontenancé. Sans vouloir me chercher de fausses excuses, j'ai déjà entamé ma septième décennie et mes connaissances de l'anglais, quoique solides, se limitent au domaine général.
Voici un lien qui peut s'avérer utile. Bonne chance.



Modifié 2 fois. Dernière modification le 07/12/12 18:24 par JRB.

Merci beaucoup JRB ! En effet, ça sonne bien mieux maintenant !
Concernant les CVs c'est vrai que c'était pas facile à traduire, d'autant que j'ai tendance à pinailler :). Et puis le vocabulaire orienté finance est toujours un petit peu particulier.
Mais je suis parvenu à ce que je voulais finalement avec l'aide d'une amie anglophone bossant dans le domaine.

En tout cas merci beaucoup pour ton aide !

Cordialement,

Jean-Baptiste

Avec plaisir, JB et bonne chance pour ton stage. :)